You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
