Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
