Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm like, not good at living.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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