I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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