Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
