this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize