I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
