There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
