She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Randomize
