someone owes me an orgasm
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
