she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
