I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
