i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I could fuck to npr.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
