I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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