she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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