I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
