I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
