You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
