This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
