the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
