Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
