Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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