Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
