I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
