i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
