I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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