he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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