This is not my ceiling
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
