she kept yelling 'call me bella'
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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