Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
