Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
