Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
