My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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