I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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