First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
