around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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