After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
