Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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