it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize