My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
