I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
