god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
