great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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