Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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