thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
