I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
