It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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