if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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