Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
