She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
tell me about the fingering
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