He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
