Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
