so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
