It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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