the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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