That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
