Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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